My Blog

Sunday 31st July 

I started this blog to help me get my thoughts together regarding my sister’s hoarding, impact on her children, the impact on me and whether the child protection system (in the UK) was appropriate to help deal with the situation.

When the girls first moved in I thought they would be here a few months as I could never see my sister getting her act together and sorting things out. The truth is she didn’t and the only reason her children were returned to her was because of all the work and effort G, his Mum and I put into clearing the house. My sister in fact did very little. My nieces returned home after just a few weeks and I’ve never been there since. She has not asked for my help to finish clearing the lounge, she obviously thinks it is OK now.

More importantly I have not heard from the Social Worker. She said she would continue paying fortnightly visits and that she would let me know the outcome of her investigation. This was due several weeks ago, so I can only assume they don’t intend to take any further action.

I’ve never been convinced the Child Protection process is the right way of dealing with hoarders, but maybe legal action is the only way to get people to face up to the situation they are in. My sister didn’t seem too bothered by the ‘interference’ of Social Workers or that the girls were living with me. It didn’t motivate her to do much at all. Perhaps if G and I hadn’t done what we did then the girls might still be here now.

My blog hasn’t helped me understand why she is a hoarder or how the child protection process might be a way of dealing with it. I feel angry and have overwhelming thoughts that she is just plain lazy. I know this doesn’t fit with the idea of hoarding being a mental health illness and deep down I know this is the case, but when someone doesn’t want to take responsibility for their actions, it’s so difficult. 

A Letter to My Sister

To My Dear Sister

I don’t understand the way you are or why you do the things you do. I don’t understand what makes you throw rubbish on the floor or why you buy so many things. I can’t understand the need to always be out the house or why you wouldn’t want clear space to do activities with the girls at home.

I know being a single mum is hard. I’ve done it myself for 10 years. I managed to find the balance between keeping my house clean, going out and about with J and working full time. Why can’t you?

I didn’t have a lot of time to myself or any hobbies, but you seem to what everything. You’re a Girl Guide and Brownie leader, you’re part of school PTA, you’re on the local community centre committee, plus you’ve signed up to every party plan type organisation going – books, make up, nails, household tat. Do you actually make any money from these things?

They just take you away from the house and add to the mess within it.

You treat the girls like babies, but yet you expect them to keep their room tidy and be nicely presented when you want to leave the house. You seem to forget that they need guidance, encouragement and a role model.  Why should they tidy if they don’t see you doing it?

Why can’t you focus on providing a nice homely environment for your girls, where you can invite people round for dinner? The girls will never be able to have friends over to play or sleepover, you realise that don’t you?

Do you not care that the girls might be bullied because of their home, especially as the older one goes to senior school? Girls can be so cruel if they have a target.

I love you, but I won’t help clean or clear your house again. I’ve done it too many time with little or no thanks. I don’t understand the way you are or why you do the things you do.

Your tired and confused little sister

Trampolining & face painting

Day 33 Sunday

My sister picks both girls up early today, about 8.30am. The older one has a party at an activity centre. I'm still in bed when she arrives and stay there while she gets the girls ready which always seems to be a difficult task for her!

I'm not sure why she's taken the younger one, she'll only get upset when she realises she can't stay there with her sister, but I imagine she wants to go with them and as my sister can't say no off they go.

It's about 10am when she returns with the younger one. I discover they've been to the shops. After her mums left she confesses that Mum bought her a treat as she was upset about not being able to stay at the party. It's all so predictable and this is why they end up with so much stuff. Lots of treats to placate the children and avoid having to actually be firm with them.

It's the town's festival day and my son is playing in a band so we head off to watch him. The younger one can't contain herself, all the stalls selling brightly coloured toys and cuddly stuffed animals, all the rides and bouncy castles and slides. She's talking 100 words a second.  I manage to calm her and tell her to be quiet. If she stands nicely whilst J plays in the band then she can do one activity.

She does this and I'm actually quite impressed with her behaviour. So she looks around and chooses the trampolines to go on. Afterwards we walk round the stalls and again she starts pointing out face painting and cake stalls and crafts and it just goes on. I feel mean but I refuse everything, except a cupcake each for her and J (and a giant cookie for me!)

Eventually, as we are thinking of leaving, my sister says she's on her way to meet us with the older child. We head over the free play area where the youngest runs around and enjoys the old fashion swings and slides. I feel smug that it's not costing me anything!

When she arrives she takes both girls back to the main area probably to spend a fortune. I head home thinking I bet she's not done much clearing at home this weekend.

I enjoy a quiet afternoon for a few hours before they return back and as I expected they have arms full of rubbish and faces covered in painted flowers and stars. I don't begrudge them having nice treats and doing nice things, but they need to learn that going out doesn't revolve around buying things and that actually they have to accept no as an answer.

The social worker is due tomorrow so we'll see how she's done at home.