Time to Say Goodbye

Day 35 Wednesday

As I arrive home from work today, the girls' are obviously excited about going home today. Their Mum packs up most of the stuff and the door closes behind them.

I still have mixed emotions. It's a relief that the house is so quiet but I can’t help wonder what their life will be like at home. Would they be better off with me in the long term?

I still feel angry and as if I’ve been used and treated like shit. When I got that call 35 days ago, I swung into action to sort her house out and make it a home for the children, whilst my sister did nothing except carry on as normal. She went on her trips while I spent my weekends there clearing rubbish and crap from the house.

Am I stupid? I feel like a prize idiot and have been well and truly used.

It’s nice not have to go up and down the stairs every five minutes as the girls mess about at bedtime, but I can’t settle and I’m restless as I sit on the sofa trying to relax in front of the television. And later I find it hard to sleep.

The Last Call

Day 34 - Tuesday 

This morning, I don't need to leave for work early as I usually do. G has told me about the chaos in the mornings as we have the arrangement that my sister will come round and get the girls ready and take them to school so G and I don't have to worry about this. I usually leave so after she arrives, but G is stays in bed until after they go. He can hear them messing about and up and down the stairs. 

Today the youngest one is glued to her tablet, watching a video on You Tube. My sister sends her upstairs to get washed and dressed. She has this delusion that both girls will just come down and present themselves in pristine condition. This doesn't happen! 

She calls up the stairs to the little one to put the tablet down "otherwise I'll get Auntie to take it off you"! 

I'm so annoyed, why have I got to take it off her? 

"because you've got to be the bad guy" she says. I feel upset more than anything else, why have I got to be the bad guy? I want to be the fun Auntie, that spoils them and provides a place they can come and chill out. But because she can't parent properly and cant say No, I have to be the one to provide the discipline and proper structure. I've been a single parent. I was for 10 years and to a degree I still am. J is my son and I've had to play both roles, which I feel has been a success as J is a calm, independent child and trained in the ways and routines that I have created. 

The chaos at home continues as I leave work. She really has no morning routine. 

The social worker was due to visit my sister yesterday, but had to rearrange so went this morning instead. My sister hasn’t phoned to tell me the outcome so when the social worker phones me in the late afternoon to tell me the outcome. She informs me that the girls bedroom is sufficiently clear and tidy and that great progress has been made in the lounge (of course it has – I worked bloody hard to do that!), she recommended to my sister that the girls stay at mine for another week or so until the lounge is properly clear, but my sister was adamant that the girls should return home on Wednesday, to allow her one more evening to ‘finish up’.

I’m disappointed and feel unreasonably angry. Why wait another evening? Does she have plans and its convenient for them to stay at mine? I really wanted to get the lounge completely clear, but I know that work will stop now.

I ask the social worker about the help they were going to provide along with a skip and she said she would still be pushing for funding for this and they would continue to visit regularly. I’m cynical, I’ve been here before and it’s the same old story.

I feel like I’ve made a terrible mistake wasting all those weekends at my sister’s house, she would never have got this far so quickly without my help (and that of G and his mum) and yet do I get a thank you? No, nothing. 

It's all up to her

Day 30 Thursday

Finally managed to get hold of the social worker. I kept leaving messages & she's call back when I was in meetings & unable to answer the phone, which led to me becoming even more frustrated & pissed off.

So when I finally got the opportunity to have my say I just ended up ranting at her, which I later apologised for. I wanted know why we had been invited to a child protection conference & she said she was still investigating under section 17 Child in Need. This would take another 2 weeks then it would be decided as to what action to take next. I got the destiny feeling she was hoping my sister would have cleared the house by then so they could just close the case

I asked about the help she was suppose to be arranging & the skip, which still hadn't been arranged. She said they were still waiting to agree funding, again I got the impression she hoped we'd sort it out so they didn't need to do anything more.

I raised my concern that the house was nowhere near ready or suitable for the children to return & that I thought this would be an ideal opportunity to really strip it back & start a fresh. I am concerned that once the children return that really will be the end to anymore clearing and that I don't think my sister has really learnt anything from this experience.

At this point words were tumbling out my mouth...I was annoyed at the lack routine for the girls that they have clubs every weekend evening & don't get to sleep until 9.30-10pm because when they get home they are buzzing after their club and don't have proper time to chill out before bed. That they always get 'on the go' quick tin spaghetti or sandwiches (they have school dinners so don't need a dinner in the evening, my sister says), but yet they always eat a second meal when we cook for them & seem to constantly be hungry. And we eat at the table together, using proper plates & knives & forks, not plastic things.

I don't know why my sister doesn't get it. She just seems to want to do the nice stuff, but is rubbish at the discipline & actual day to day routines.

Don't get me wrong I'm not claiming to be the best mum in the world, but my son's 14 now and we haven't had too many problems. I pride myself on having proper meals in the evening together (even though G cokes mostly now!) & that he's a chilled & laid back boy (not just because he's a teenager!)

I told the SW I was torn between wanting my life & house back to normal & my desire to keep the girls safe & in a nice environment. And I'm cross at the SW for putting me in that position.  I was happy in my ignorance of not knowing what the house was like & about their inappropriate lifestyle

I felt better after the phone call. I'm not sure I really achieved anything but I said what I wanted to say

I phoned my friend later & related the conversation with the SW and part of me wished I hadn't spent the last 4 weekends doing her house. That perhaps if I hadn't we would have seen what she's capable of and then I could have made changes to the girls routine for the better.

I've agreed with G that we won't be going to her house this weekend. It's up to her now. Let's see what she can do on her own.

Is the end near?

Day 27 Monday

My sister had a visit today from the social workers.  I had to phone her to find out how it went. She stutters as she explains that they were happy with things and that if she (we) can sort the girls bedroom properly and clear the beds, then the girls can return home next week after they visit again on Monday.

Whilst I'm happy for myself that life can return to normal and the girls can be with their mum again, I also feel cross. The house is not anywhere near sorted and work will just stop again and probably build up and we'll just do it all over again in another couple of years. The SW promised organised paid for help and a skip. They've provided neither and the home remains a shit hole.

Time to reflect with a glass of wine

Day 17 - Friday

When my sister comes to pick the girls up for school, I as her whether she sent the photos as discussed. She's taken the photos, she tells me, but has not emailed them yet. I tell her to do so asap so we can try and make arrangements for the weekend.

Ahead of the bank holiday weekend I booked today off. Originally I had thought G and I would take a day trip to France or somewhere. Something we used to do quite a bit.  But with migrant problems in Calais & fuel strikes across the area, we never got round to booking anything. I was determined however not to spend the day at my sisters.

So I arranged to meet up with my oldest friend for lunch. Before we leave I text my sister to see if she's sent the email yet. No she hasn't, wifi at work is not very good so the email wont send. I can do no more if she wont help herself.

It was lovely to head out to a country pub for some lovely food and a little glass of wine...or three! I told her about events from the last couple of weeks and she listened patiently before telling me that I shouldn't have to deal with all this myself and that Children's services should be doing more to help my sister and put the appropriate support services in place,

She can't understand why I'm not pushing the Social Worker to gain funding for the particular organisation I had suggested 2 years ago during last Child Protection process. I should insist that they do more to help so i can take a step back, she tells me.

I struggle with this. I don't feel angry with the SW, its not her fault we're in this situation. It's my sister I'm cross with, my sister that has caused this situation and my sister who has done nothing to rectify the situation.

Coincidently the SW calls me and as I'm sitting in a pub and having polished off 2 glasses of wine at this point, I didn't much feel like talking. So when she asks if everything is ok, I simply say "Yes, everything is working out ok"
My friend points out that this will now be documented in the notes and as far as they are concerned 'everything is fine'.

Everything is definitely not fine! I'm exhausted. I'm not used to be woken in the early hours by 2 small children chatting, arguing and thumping about the place. It drives me mad that my sister is hanging around my home when I get in from work and that I'm spending a ridiculous amount of time clearing and cleaning someone else's house. Its too much.

I resolve to contact the SW back during the week to see if there's an update on the funding and support.

It's lovely catching up with my friend and we manage to talk about other things - I realise its not all about me!

My sister finally sends a text confirming the email has been sent and they quote £130. I agree to pay and make arrangements for them to come. Unfortunately they cant come on Saturday as it's too late in the day now, but they can come in the afternoon on Monday. I'm cross that my sister has caused delays because she's not taking this whole business seriously, however it means we have an extra couple of days to get a bit more rubbish out and away.

Friday night and another glass of wine is in order!

The Call

Wednesday 11th May

Whilst at work I get a text from the sister:

Social services might phone you

Dread fills my body. I already know what this is about. Just a few minutes later I get the call. 

Only this time it's much worse. The social worker tells me the house is so dangerous the children cannot stay there. "Can they stay with you?" She asks me. "What if I say no?" I reply. They will look for a foster placement with no guarantee they can stay together. 

Part of me knows this is unlikely. I've worked in this environment & my friend is a children's service social worker. There's hoops the SW has to jump through in order to remove a child, but I can't bring myself to say No 

The SW arranges to visit my house later in the day & I'm straight on the phone to my partner, G who happens to have the day off. 

Can you move the old mattress from the spare room (put it in the shed not the garden- that will just look tacky!!)

Clean the kitchen-load the dishwasher, wipe the table, sweep the floor

He then tells me he has an appointment in the afternoon & can't do all things I need doing. 

After a mild panic, I manage to leave work a bit earlier to head home & tidy up. In an hour I've cleaned the bathroom, tidied the lounge, cleared the spare room & made the place smell nice to give the impression of domestic goddess & a homely home! 

I obviously gain approval, although was a bit annoyed she didn't check out the bathroom (I'd been on my knees washing the floor!) 

And that evening they turn up at my house & my peaceful life is turned upside down. 

The History

Due to the state of her house, my sister has gone through the Child Protection process three times previously. I go round have a clear out and social workers leave her alone. Apart from this 'issue' she is a good mum. The girls have everything they want and they do much more! Actually that's part of the problem! She is unable to say no when they want things and as an amateur psychologist she seems to have some kind of guilt that they just don't have enough and by buying more things this will show how much she loves them.

In context their dad is married to someone else and has no real contact with them.

I've tried my best to convince the sister to stop buying things, to throw things out, to sell old toys and clothes, but it falls on deaf ears and she carries on regardless. She's had appointments with the mental health team but she either can't be bothered to go or really doesn't think there's an issue. The place is just 'a little messy'. 

And so we reach the current situation....