My Blog

Sunday 31st July 

I started this blog to help me get my thoughts together regarding my sister’s hoarding, impact on her children, the impact on me and whether the child protection system (in the UK) was appropriate to help deal with the situation.

When the girls first moved in I thought they would be here a few months as I could never see my sister getting her act together and sorting things out. The truth is she didn’t and the only reason her children were returned to her was because of all the work and effort G, his Mum and I put into clearing the house. My sister in fact did very little. My nieces returned home after just a few weeks and I’ve never been there since. She has not asked for my help to finish clearing the lounge, she obviously thinks it is OK now.

More importantly I have not heard from the Social Worker. She said she would continue paying fortnightly visits and that she would let me know the outcome of her investigation. This was due several weeks ago, so I can only assume they don’t intend to take any further action.

I’ve never been convinced the Child Protection process is the right way of dealing with hoarders, but maybe legal action is the only way to get people to face up to the situation they are in. My sister didn’t seem too bothered by the ‘interference’ of Social Workers or that the girls were living with me. It didn’t motivate her to do much at all. Perhaps if G and I hadn’t done what we did then the girls might still be here now.

My blog hasn’t helped me understand why she is a hoarder or how the child protection process might be a way of dealing with it. I feel angry and have overwhelming thoughts that she is just plain lazy. I know this doesn’t fit with the idea of hoarding being a mental health illness and deep down I know this is the case, but when someone doesn’t want to take responsibility for their actions, it’s so difficult. 

A Letter to My Sister

To My Dear Sister

I don’t understand the way you are or why you do the things you do. I don’t understand what makes you throw rubbish on the floor or why you buy so many things. I can’t understand the need to always be out the house or why you wouldn’t want clear space to do activities with the girls at home.

I know being a single mum is hard. I’ve done it myself for 10 years. I managed to find the balance between keeping my house clean, going out and about with J and working full time. Why can’t you?

I didn’t have a lot of time to myself or any hobbies, but you seem to what everything. You’re a Girl Guide and Brownie leader, you’re part of school PTA, you’re on the local community centre committee, plus you’ve signed up to every party plan type organisation going – books, make up, nails, household tat. Do you actually make any money from these things?

They just take you away from the house and add to the mess within it.

You treat the girls like babies, but yet you expect them to keep their room tidy and be nicely presented when you want to leave the house. You seem to forget that they need guidance, encouragement and a role model.  Why should they tidy if they don’t see you doing it?

Why can’t you focus on providing a nice homely environment for your girls, where you can invite people round for dinner? The girls will never be able to have friends over to play or sleepover, you realise that don’t you?

Do you not care that the girls might be bullied because of their home, especially as the older one goes to senior school? Girls can be so cruel if they have a target.

I love you, but I won’t help clean or clear your house again. I’ve done it too many time with little or no thanks. I don’t understand the way you are or why you do the things you do.

Your tired and confused little sister

Looking at a 10 year old

Day 48 Sunday

Fortunately it's a bright sunny day as J and I head off to a local school fair with our lucky dip boxes and bags of books to sell. We're trying to raise money for his World Challenge trip next year. We've got the massive bag of books from my sisters and we've created 2 lucky dip boxes from little bits and pieces mostly obtained from her house and some of J's old toys.

It’s not just any old local school, it’s my nieces school, my Sister got us a free stand as she’s on the PTA, another interest which takes her away from cleaning her house.

I really wanted to write about the oldest niece, C. It was the first time I’d seen her away from her little sister and with a friend her own age. She seemed much more mature, talking and acting her age, a 10 year old in her final year of primary school. She reverts to being a 6 year old when she’s around her sister. I’m not a psychologist but I imagine this relates to fighting for the attention of her Mum, who I think at times favours the younger one and wants to keep her as a baby.

It was nice to see C in a different environment, its such a shame that she cant go to Guide camp on her own or any clubs on her own without her Mum going along as a helper.

I worry about both girls not being very independent when they are older. They are both confident girls, who will talk to complete strangers, which is probably due to the various events my sister gets involved in.

Part of me regrets how I let things go when they came to stay. If I’m in that position again, things will be done differently. 

Time for the Garden

Day 47- Saturday

During the week my sister asked if G would go round and do some gardening at her house. It turns out her neighbour has complained again, this time about the state of the overgrown garden. I don't blame them, they are trying to sale their house and to have such an unkempt house next door it must decrease the vale somewhat.

As we arrive she jokes about it being a wild life garden. Well its certainly wild and it vaguely resembles a garden. I manage to drag J out of his pit to join us so it’s a real family affair today!

Frogs hiding place

As G sets up the equipment he moves an old cardboard box and I feel something wet move across my foot. I look down to see a frog jumping towards the house and the girls. I standstill and leave it to make its way to a hiding place, I quite like frogs! But my sister is the first to scream and start hoping from one foot to the other, and the girls quickly follow suite. The frog finds its hiding place and peace is restored with focus back on the task in hand.

G starts the petrol strimmer to cut back the long grass, while we all stand and watch, much to his annoyance. So he asks J to start with the petrol lawn mower and follow on after him. J enjoys this for a while, until he finds it too much effort and decides that the strimmer looks like far more fun.

J with the lawnmower

The girls also want to join in now and I point out the garden shears they can use on the opposite side of the garden. They make little impact, but they are enjoying themselves and willing to help which is encouraging and far more than their Mum is doing, who is hoovering in the doorway to the garden as if she might catch something by actually going into the garden and partaking in a gardening activity. I’d already decided that I was not going to join in, I’ve done enough in that house, I’m not doing the garden as well.

Between them they make good progress. It’s not the garden makeover you see on the TV, but the grass is cut, the shrubs cut back and the pathway is clear before the rain moves in. The girls are pleased and start jumping around the rediscovered garden.

There’s a bit more to be done and G tells my sister that she can use her usual lawnmower to run over the lawn again and to trim the edge along the pathway. We all know this is not going to happen. Another wasted weekend day at my Sister’s.

G hard at work

a wildlife garden - over the pathway

Father's Day

Day 40 Sunday

It’s a painful day today. My Dad died 6 years ago, but it feels like it could be just a few months ago. Our Mum died over 30 years ago when I was a small child, we have no close family, no grandparents and no aunts or uncles, it’s just me and my sister now. She is the elder sister but sometimes it feels like I’m the older, more mature, wiser sister. This wasn’t always the case of course! My late teens /early twenties were chaos full of drunken nights and hungover days working. I was 25 when I had my baby boy. With no Dad on the scene he was ever so close to his Grandad. My nieces were tiny when he died so they do not remember him as J does.

As I visit my Dad’s grave with G I feel the usual emotions build up in me. What would my Dad make of this issue with my sister? I’m sure he would be incredibly disappointed and distressed with the situation. Would he yell at my sister? Probably not. He was a peaceful unassuming man. He wouldn’t understand that she has a mental health issue, he always just thought she was lazy, something I struggle with every day.

My Dad’s grave often brings me peace and comfort, the feeling of being close to my Dad. I ask him for the strength and courage to get through this period of unsettlement and for guidance in handling this mess going forward. I don’t know what to say to my Sister that will have any impact and make the changes she needs to have a healthy comfortable home for the children.

I ask my Dad to watch over me and to bring me some happiness. I’ve been struggling with some issues with G. Why can’t things be more straight forward? 

The Sun is Shining

Day 38 Saturday

It's the first week to ourselves again. The sun is shining and G is feeling motivated to start on our garden. It's nice to enjoy some time together that doesn’t involve tension and piles of rubbish. He’s working hard building a raised bed and digging out a border. I’m supervising with a glass of cider!

I can’t help thinking about the girls and their house might be like already, just a few days later.

She wants to be their best friend, the wonderful mum that takes them fun places without having to deal with the bad behaviour or providing any kind of structure. Every day after school they go to a club, sometimes for the older one that the youngest get dragged along to, and some are for the little one that the eldest has to wait around at. Both are glued to her and to each other. Neither are allowed to do their own thing.

I worry about the eldest girl as she is 4 years older than her sister, but she seems to be held back by having to do everything with her sister or her Mum. She’s quite immature in her attitude and very clingy to other people. It was good to see her hanging out with J on the computer, rather than her sister, but she was always drawn back to her. They just need to be together.

My sister has no control, sets no boundaries and has no structure to their lives. 

Time to Say Goodbye

Day 35 Wednesday

As I arrive home from work today, the girls' are obviously excited about going home today. Their Mum packs up most of the stuff and the door closes behind them.

I still have mixed emotions. It's a relief that the house is so quiet but I can’t help wonder what their life will be like at home. Would they be better off with me in the long term?

I still feel angry and as if I’ve been used and treated like shit. When I got that call 35 days ago, I swung into action to sort her house out and make it a home for the children, whilst my sister did nothing except carry on as normal. She went on her trips while I spent my weekends there clearing rubbish and crap from the house.

Am I stupid? I feel like a prize idiot and have been well and truly used.

It’s nice not have to go up and down the stairs every five minutes as the girls mess about at bedtime, but I can’t settle and I’m restless as I sit on the sofa trying to relax in front of the television. And later I find it hard to sleep.

The Last Call

Day 34 - Tuesday 

This morning, I don't need to leave for work early as I usually do. G has told me about the chaos in the mornings as we have the arrangement that my sister will come round and get the girls ready and take them to school so G and I don't have to worry about this. I usually leave so after she arrives, but G is stays in bed until after they go. He can hear them messing about and up and down the stairs. 

Today the youngest one is glued to her tablet, watching a video on You Tube. My sister sends her upstairs to get washed and dressed. She has this delusion that both girls will just come down and present themselves in pristine condition. This doesn't happen! 

She calls up the stairs to the little one to put the tablet down "otherwise I'll get Auntie to take it off you"! 

I'm so annoyed, why have I got to take it off her? 

"because you've got to be the bad guy" she says. I feel upset more than anything else, why have I got to be the bad guy? I want to be the fun Auntie, that spoils them and provides a place they can come and chill out. But because she can't parent properly and cant say No, I have to be the one to provide the discipline and proper structure. I've been a single parent. I was for 10 years and to a degree I still am. J is my son and I've had to play both roles, which I feel has been a success as J is a calm, independent child and trained in the ways and routines that I have created. 

The chaos at home continues as I leave work. She really has no morning routine. 

The social worker was due to visit my sister yesterday, but had to rearrange so went this morning instead. My sister hasn’t phoned to tell me the outcome so when the social worker phones me in the late afternoon to tell me the outcome. She informs me that the girls bedroom is sufficiently clear and tidy and that great progress has been made in the lounge (of course it has – I worked bloody hard to do that!), she recommended to my sister that the girls stay at mine for another week or so until the lounge is properly clear, but my sister was adamant that the girls should return home on Wednesday, to allow her one more evening to ‘finish up’.

I’m disappointed and feel unreasonably angry. Why wait another evening? Does she have plans and its convenient for them to stay at mine? I really wanted to get the lounge completely clear, but I know that work will stop now.

I ask the social worker about the help they were going to provide along with a skip and she said she would still be pushing for funding for this and they would continue to visit regularly. I’m cynical, I’ve been here before and it’s the same old story.

I feel like I’ve made a terrible mistake wasting all those weekends at my sister’s house, she would never have got this far so quickly without my help (and that of G and his mum) and yet do I get a thank you? No, nothing.