Trampolining & face painting

Day 33 Sunday

My sister picks both girls up early today, about 8.30am. The older one has a party at an activity centre. I'm still in bed when she arrives and stay there while she gets the girls ready which always seems to be a difficult task for her!

I'm not sure why she's taken the younger one, she'll only get upset when she realises she can't stay there with her sister, but I imagine she wants to go with them and as my sister can't say no off they go.

It's about 10am when she returns with the younger one. I discover they've been to the shops. After her mums left she confesses that Mum bought her a treat as she was upset about not being able to stay at the party. It's all so predictable and this is why they end up with so much stuff. Lots of treats to placate the children and avoid having to actually be firm with them.

It's the town's festival day and my son is playing in a band so we head off to watch him. The younger one can't contain herself, all the stalls selling brightly coloured toys and cuddly stuffed animals, all the rides and bouncy castles and slides. She's talking 100 words a second.  I manage to calm her and tell her to be quiet. If she stands nicely whilst J plays in the band then she can do one activity.

She does this and I'm actually quite impressed with her behaviour. So she looks around and chooses the trampolines to go on. Afterwards we walk round the stalls and again she starts pointing out face painting and cake stalls and crafts and it just goes on. I feel mean but I refuse everything, except a cupcake each for her and J (and a giant cookie for me!)

Eventually, as we are thinking of leaving, my sister says she's on her way to meet us with the older child. We head over the free play area where the youngest runs around and enjoys the old fashion swings and slides. I feel smug that it's not costing me anything!

When she arrives she takes both girls back to the main area probably to spend a fortune. I head home thinking I bet she's not done much clearing at home this weekend.

I enjoy a quiet afternoon for a few hours before they return back and as I expected they have arms full of rubbish and faces covered in painted flowers and stars. I don't begrudge them having nice treats and doing nice things, but they need to learn that going out doesn't revolve around buying things and that actually they have to accept no as an answer.

The social worker is due tomorrow so we'll see how she's done at home.

A Day of Moaning

Day 32 Saturday

I decide to take the opportunity to get my own house in order today. I'm not going to my sister's and she's not asked me to help so she can just get on with herself

I still feel cross about the situation and looking at my spare room where the girls are currently sleeping I start moaning at them about how messy they are and how they need to look after their stuff. The older one hangs her head as my frustration shows through and I feel a little guilty, but at 10 years old she should be able to put things in the bin and laundry bag rather than leaving things on the floor or where ever she can be bothered.

They are both keen to return home, they're sick of me moaning and nagging them the whole time. The reality is they are now used to living this way, leaving things wherever they want because my sister has no control at all and let's them do whatever they want

I want my house back and life back to normality, but I'm still so torn about the life they are going back to.

It's all up to her

Day 30 Thursday

Finally managed to get hold of the social worker. I kept leaving messages & she's call back when I was in meetings & unable to answer the phone, which led to me becoming even more frustrated & pissed off.

So when I finally got the opportunity to have my say I just ended up ranting at her, which I later apologised for. I wanted know why we had been invited to a child protection conference & she said she was still investigating under section 17 Child in Need. This would take another 2 weeks then it would be decided as to what action to take next. I got the destiny feeling she was hoping my sister would have cleared the house by then so they could just close the case

I asked about the help she was suppose to be arranging & the skip, which still hadn't been arranged. She said they were still waiting to agree funding, again I got the impression she hoped we'd sort it out so they didn't need to do anything more.

I raised my concern that the house was nowhere near ready or suitable for the children to return & that I thought this would be an ideal opportunity to really strip it back & start a fresh. I am concerned that once the children return that really will be the end to anymore clearing and that I don't think my sister has really learnt anything from this experience.

At this point words were tumbling out my mouth...I was annoyed at the lack routine for the girls that they have clubs every weekend evening & don't get to sleep until 9.30-10pm because when they get home they are buzzing after their club and don't have proper time to chill out before bed. That they always get 'on the go' quick tin spaghetti or sandwiches (they have school dinners so don't need a dinner in the evening, my sister says), but yet they always eat a second meal when we cook for them & seem to constantly be hungry. And we eat at the table together, using proper plates & knives & forks, not plastic things.

I don't know why my sister doesn't get it. She just seems to want to do the nice stuff, but is rubbish at the discipline & actual day to day routines.

Don't get me wrong I'm not claiming to be the best mum in the world, but my son's 14 now and we haven't had too many problems. I pride myself on having proper meals in the evening together (even though G cokes mostly now!) & that he's a chilled & laid back boy (not just because he's a teenager!)

I told the SW I was torn between wanting my life & house back to normal & my desire to keep the girls safe & in a nice environment. And I'm cross at the SW for putting me in that position.  I was happy in my ignorance of not knowing what the house was like & about their inappropriate lifestyle

I felt better after the phone call. I'm not sure I really achieved anything but I said what I wanted to say

I phoned my friend later & related the conversation with the SW and part of me wished I hadn't spent the last 4 weekends doing her house. That perhaps if I hadn't we would have seen what she's capable of and then I could have made changes to the girls routine for the better.

I've agreed with G that we won't be going to her house this weekend. It's up to her now. Let's see what she can do on her own.

Is the end near?

Day 27 Monday

My sister had a visit today from the social workers.  I had to phone her to find out how it went. She stutters as she explains that they were happy with things and that if she (we) can sort the girls bedroom properly and clear the beds, then the girls can return home next week after they visit again on Monday.

Whilst I'm happy for myself that life can return to normal and the girls can be with their mum again, I also feel cross. The house is not anywhere near sorted and work will just stop again and probably build up and we'll just do it all over again in another couple of years. The SW promised organised paid for help and a skip. They've provided neither and the home remains a shit hole.

It's all about the money...

Day 26 Sunday

Only a couple of hours at the house today. I was a bit worried about the Guinea pigs, but they seemed to have survived ok.

The sister came home with the oldest niece while we were there, still working on the lounge. She tried to conceal her look of horror as she walked in, but it was there none the less, dispite the effort we had put in go clear as much as of the lounge as possible. I could tell her anxiety levels were high & she was already beginning to wonder what stuff we had thrown out.

The youngest niece took them out to the garden to see the new hutch and the oldest niece was thrilled and amazed at the size. My sisters first comment was: where's the cover for it?

I don't know why I thought we might get a thank you. She really is isn't appreciative of anything we do or are doing it.

As I make her help me sort through a pile by the door she sees a Christmas decoration in the bin bag that I'd thrown away before she got home. She pulls it out and starts shaking in as if the straw, hair & general gunk is just going to fall off. It doesn't. But undeterred she's adamant she can clean it off. I'm constantly amazed that for someone who hates cleaning and doesn't do at all, she's obsessed that she will clean everything rather than through it away.

The youngest niece found a 10p coin earlier and she spent 20 minutes constantly harassing my sister to go to the shop and buy her something. She was like the devil child, I'd never seen her like that I actually felt sorry for my sister as she squirmed & tried to put her off. Her feeble attempts frustrate me and I snap at the niece telling her firmly to leave her mum alone. It was a glimpse into their life & need to buy things.

The sun has come out and I want to go home & sit in the garden enjoying the rest of my Sunday. The girls bring a few toys back with them including a loom band kit and we spend the afternoon making bracelets (it was a new experience for me having a teenage son who had no interest them!)

Throughout the evening my sister sent a barrage of text messages asking me where things were, occasionally confirming she'd found the item she'd asked about. I ignored them all regardless.

A New Home for the Guinea Pigs

Day 25 Saturday

So another exciting day at my sister’s house with G, his mum and his sister. My sister is away on Brownie pack holiday, something obviously far more important that sorting her home out with the aim of having her children return!

It's a difficult day for me, more than usual. Before getting there I tell G I'd like to finish the girls room and concentrate on the dining table area of the lounge and if possible build the hutch for the Guinea pigs to get them out the lounge.

He drops me and the smallest niece off at the house and goes to pick up his mum and sister. I do a bit more in the girls’ room, but my sister has bought more bags in so I'm now confused about what's staying and going. So I take my niece downstairs to help me clear the mountain of clothes on the dining table, which we bring out into the garden on the tarpaulin I've found. She talks constantly and I contemplate locking her in the shed, before realising there's no room in the shed to put her!! As I look round the lounge in despair I notice a half-filled bin bag by the sofa. The same bin bag I left in that exact same spot 5 days earlier when I was here on Monday! I'm fuming.

When G arrives with his family he starts moaning about the state of the hallway and under the stairs and whilst I continue with the dining area, he starts at the other end with his sister and randomly starts throwing things around and chucking stuff up my end. I'm frustrated that as usual he doesn't listen to a word I say and does completely his own thing. I appreciate the work he's doing so I keep quiet. As I sort through 5-year-old papers, magazines and bills I come across a card in an envelope with her name on it. The writing looks familiar, but I can't place it. I open it and see 'Happy Christmas Daughter across the front of the card and I open it slowly as I realise who it's from- my Dad, who died 6 years earlier. I can hear G moaning about how lazy my sister is and that strong words need to be had and it all becomes too much for me. The tears well up in my eyes and I don't want to cry in front of the little one, but I can't stop myself and head out to the garden. G's mum gives me a big hug and in a rare moment of compassion from G he tells me to keep the card to take home and put in my memories box for the sister.

I'm upset that such a valuable thing (as I see it) is mixed up with the random paper and rubbish and that for someone that wants and has so much, she treasures nothing.

where the guinea pigs used to live

G finishes his patch in the lounge and decides to build the hutch in the garden, that my sister said was in the garage. I highlight there's not actually anywhere to put it as the garden is so overgrown with weeds and I don't know if any of it will be poisonous to the Guinea pigs.  We clear the tarpaulin and the clothes on it, putting them away in the girls’ wardrobe and leaving my sisters clothes in a bag outside her room.

The hutch is massive and fills the small patio area by the back door, but at least it gets the animals out the lounge which will hopefully remove that awful smell and associated flies. Snowball and Fluffy don't seem too convinced about their new home and new found space and so hide in a corner determined not to draw attention to themselves.

After five hours we're all exhausted. I look round the garden and spot a robin on the fence. He jumps around and into the vegetation. It makes me smile, but those tears begin to form again as I remember something my friend said a few years ago: when you see a robin out of winter it means an angel is watching over you. I'm not big on superstition and angels and all that, but I remember seeing a robin on my son’s birthday (in July) who stayed around us for ages and it was earlier that year that my Dad died. I know it's silly, but I draw comfort from believing it was my Dad looking over me and letting me know he is around.

#BankHolidayMonday

Day 20 - Monday

So it's bank holiday Monday and I'm dreading the thought of spending yet another day at my sister’s house. At a cost of £130 I’ve arranged for a rubbish removal company to come and clear all the rubbish we put in the back garden. They're due to come at 3.30pm, so I head over about 2pm to get a few more bags of stuff out.

They're late and eventually arrive at 4pm. There's an alley way between her house and the neighbours and the two chaps get started on lugging the bags and boxes and general rubbish down the alley and into the van. I want to get this done quick so start carry bags and bits myself. My sister stands and watches and every so often so picks things out that she now wants to keep or according her should never have been there.

It doesn't take long maybe 20 minutes and it's all gone.

I leave a half filled bin bag in the middle of the lounge by the TV telling her to finish clearing the sofa and walk way through the lounge.

It's so tiring, I can't see how this is ever going to be fully sorted out and if by some miracle it is I know my sister will ever maintain it. I'm starting to think maybe the girls should stay with me long term, but this will turn my family upside down and I was at a stage in my life where I could start to be selfish. Focus on my career, enjoy trips away with G and plan for my son to go to university. I don't want to take on two small children and start all over again

My head hurts from thinking about it constantly. I'm not sleeping well and I feel angry all the time.

Gone!

Soft Toy Story

Day 19 Sunday

It's about 12 noon that I head over to my sisters with one mission: reduce the number of soft toys!

She's not made a start with this task or as far as I can see, done anymore clearing in the girls bedroom. I head straight up there and we get started. She's clearly distressed by this activity but I'm surprised how easily she parts with some of the cuddly toys, on the downside it's all the small ones she's giving up while keeping all the big ones! After an hour 2 large bin bags are full of soft toys to go. I put them in my car so she can't change her mind either while I'm there or after I've gone

We sort some clothes & other toys & after a couple of hours I'm done. I don't want to waste anymore of my day here especially as the sun has now come out & it feels like a beautiful day.

When I arrive home G is in the garden sorting the shed out and cutting down ivy around it. The youngest niece is playing with the cat on the lawn. I decide to do some weeding and clear the cracks in the patio. The niece wants to help so I get her a bucket to put the weeds in. After a bit she goes to tell her sister what she doing and they both arrive willing help. I provide them with some gardening gloves (which I acquired from the sisters house previously) and give them a bedding patch to clear. It keeps them occupied for ages.

Then G decides to start a bonfire using the chiminea to get rid of the rubbish in the garden and the girls are fascinated by this. They help collect wood and watch as the fire starts. They even want to eat their dinner outside, something that never happens at their own home. They spend most of the evening outside, playing on the lawn and watching the fire. It feels wonderful to give them this opportunity of just chilling out & relaxing without having to go out somewhere & spend money. My sister always wants to take them out & thinks they need activities 24-7 or things to play with, when actually they need to see normal family things being done: washing, cleaning, gardening and then they want to join in and help

Later when they went to bed, G and I sat by the fire & he put his arm around me as I snuggled into him. It's a lot for him to suddenly take on but he does so willingly. I'm not sure how long either of us can keep this up though.

More books than Amazon

Day 18 Saturday

I've appreciated the help from G and his mum over the previous couple of weeks, but this weekend I decide to do it alone with the sister. We need to tackle the girls’ bedroom and it's going to take some sensitivity, not that I feel I have much at the moment but I'll give it a go.

We sort out the book shelf corner of the room where toys, clothes, drink bottles, sweet rubbish and other 'stuff' is piled high. More books appear, so many books Amazon should be worried about the competition! As we've now cleared a space and actually got to the book shelves I ask the sister to sort ones to keep and ones that can go.

She's making good choices until I come across a book where all the pieces have been pushed out. It's one of those where the pages are cardboard and you take out the clothes pieces to hang on a flat cardboard girl to dress her up. The book has no pieces left and there's no story or anything that goes with it so I think it's for the bin. The sister disagrees and thinks it should be kept as she has the pieces in a folder somewhere. That's great but why do we need the book then? I ask her. She just does! I completely lose it at this point: is this book more important that having your girls return to you?! You can't keep all this crap, they don't miss any of this stuff while they're at my house!

The sister starts crying. I tell her I'm upset too, but things can't go on like this. She wins that battle and keeps the book. She sorts the rest of the books in silence.

I continue there for another few hours, sorting 2 built in cupboards and other toys into boxes, and manage to empty 3 other large plastic boxes. There's quite a few bags of things she has said can be sold or thrown away, so progress is being made, the only thing is we gave nowhere to put things to be sold so for now they must stay in the bedroom.

I tell her to brace herself for tomorrow as I'm coming round to sort soft toys and at least half need to go! I can already see her getting anxious and worried about this prospect, but it must happen. I can't think of a better way to spend my May bank holiday weekend!

Books nicely sorted in the right place

Time to reflect with a glass of wine

Day 17 - Friday

When my sister comes to pick the girls up for school, I as her whether she sent the photos as discussed. She's taken the photos, she tells me, but has not emailed them yet. I tell her to do so asap so we can try and make arrangements for the weekend.

Ahead of the bank holiday weekend I booked today off. Originally I had thought G and I would take a day trip to France or somewhere. Something we used to do quite a bit.  But with migrant problems in Calais & fuel strikes across the area, we never got round to booking anything. I was determined however not to spend the day at my sisters.

So I arranged to meet up with my oldest friend for lunch. Before we leave I text my sister to see if she's sent the email yet. No she hasn't, wifi at work is not very good so the email wont send. I can do no more if she wont help herself.

It was lovely to head out to a country pub for some lovely food and a little glass of wine...or three! I told her about events from the last couple of weeks and she listened patiently before telling me that I shouldn't have to deal with all this myself and that Children's services should be doing more to help my sister and put the appropriate support services in place,

She can't understand why I'm not pushing the Social Worker to gain funding for the particular organisation I had suggested 2 years ago during last Child Protection process. I should insist that they do more to help so i can take a step back, she tells me.

I struggle with this. I don't feel angry with the SW, its not her fault we're in this situation. It's my sister I'm cross with, my sister that has caused this situation and my sister who has done nothing to rectify the situation.

Coincidently the SW calls me and as I'm sitting in a pub and having polished off 2 glasses of wine at this point, I didn't much feel like talking. So when she asks if everything is ok, I simply say "Yes, everything is working out ok"
My friend points out that this will now be documented in the notes and as far as they are concerned 'everything is fine'.

Everything is definitely not fine! I'm exhausted. I'm not used to be woken in the early hours by 2 small children chatting, arguing and thumping about the place. It drives me mad that my sister is hanging around my home when I get in from work and that I'm spending a ridiculous amount of time clearing and cleaning someone else's house. Its too much.

I resolve to contact the SW back during the week to see if there's an update on the funding and support.

It's lovely catching up with my friend and we manage to talk about other things - I realise its not all about me!

My sister finally sends a text confirming the email has been sent and they quote £130. I agree to pay and make arrangements for them to come. Unfortunately they cant come on Saturday as it's too late in the day now, but they can come in the afternoon on Monday. I'm cross that my sister has caused delays because she's not taking this whole business seriously, however it means we have an extra couple of days to get a bit more rubbish out and away.

Friday night and another glass of wine is in order!

It's All Rubbish

Day 16 - Thursday

While at work today, my sister tells me that she's just had a message from the housing team saying her neighbours have complaint about the rubbish piling up in her garden. She doesn't get on with the neighbours and says they are always complaining.  If I lived next door to her I think I would complain a lot too!!

I'm aware there's a local rubbish collection company, so I contact them for a quote. They ask me to email some photos to them and they'll get back to me.

My sister finishes work at 2.30pm so I tell her to take some photos when she gets home and email them to the company, which she agrees to do, and then let me know how much the quote is for.

I think no more about it and continue with my work.

By the time I get home later, she's already dropped the girls off and gone home.

I realise later that she is having a Facebook online make up party. Her and her friend are posting regular updates in order to encourage friends and family to waste money on that shit. I'm fuming! If she's spending time messing about with that, then she's not sorting and clearing, as she should be.

I'm truly exasperated  but just don't know what to do.