The Sun is Shining

Day 38 Saturday

It's the first week to ourselves again. The sun is shining and G is feeling motivated to start on our garden. It's nice to enjoy some time together that doesn’t involve tension and piles of rubbish. He’s working hard building a raised bed and digging out a border. I’m supervising with a glass of cider!

I can’t help thinking about the girls and their house might be like already, just a few days later.

She wants to be their best friend, the wonderful mum that takes them fun places without having to deal with the bad behaviour or providing any kind of structure. Every day after school they go to a club, sometimes for the older one that the youngest get dragged along to, and some are for the little one that the eldest has to wait around at. Both are glued to her and to each other. Neither are allowed to do their own thing.

I worry about the eldest girl as she is 4 years older than her sister, but she seems to be held back by having to do everything with her sister or her Mum. She’s quite immature in her attitude and very clingy to other people. It was good to see her hanging out with J on the computer, rather than her sister, but she was always drawn back to her. They just need to be together.

My sister has no control, sets no boundaries and has no structure to their lives. 

Time to Say Goodbye

Day 35 Wednesday

As I arrive home from work today, the girls' are obviously excited about going home today. Their Mum packs up most of the stuff and the door closes behind them.

I still have mixed emotions. It's a relief that the house is so quiet but I can’t help wonder what their life will be like at home. Would they be better off with me in the long term?

I still feel angry and as if I’ve been used and treated like shit. When I got that call 35 days ago, I swung into action to sort her house out and make it a home for the children, whilst my sister did nothing except carry on as normal. She went on her trips while I spent my weekends there clearing rubbish and crap from the house.

Am I stupid? I feel like a prize idiot and have been well and truly used.

It’s nice not have to go up and down the stairs every five minutes as the girls mess about at bedtime, but I can’t settle and I’m restless as I sit on the sofa trying to relax in front of the television. And later I find it hard to sleep.

The Last Call

Day 34 - Tuesday 

This morning, I don't need to leave for work early as I usually do. G has told me about the chaos in the mornings as we have the arrangement that my sister will come round and get the girls ready and take them to school so G and I don't have to worry about this. I usually leave so after she arrives, but G is stays in bed until after they go. He can hear them messing about and up and down the stairs. 

Today the youngest one is glued to her tablet, watching a video on You Tube. My sister sends her upstairs to get washed and dressed. She has this delusion that both girls will just come down and present themselves in pristine condition. This doesn't happen! 

She calls up the stairs to the little one to put the tablet down "otherwise I'll get Auntie to take it off you"! 

I'm so annoyed, why have I got to take it off her? 

"because you've got to be the bad guy" she says. I feel upset more than anything else, why have I got to be the bad guy? I want to be the fun Auntie, that spoils them and provides a place they can come and chill out. But because she can't parent properly and cant say No, I have to be the one to provide the discipline and proper structure. I've been a single parent. I was for 10 years and to a degree I still am. J is my son and I've had to play both roles, which I feel has been a success as J is a calm, independent child and trained in the ways and routines that I have created. 

The chaos at home continues as I leave work. She really has no morning routine. 

The social worker was due to visit my sister yesterday, but had to rearrange so went this morning instead. My sister hasn’t phoned to tell me the outcome so when the social worker phones me in the late afternoon to tell me the outcome. She informs me that the girls bedroom is sufficiently clear and tidy and that great progress has been made in the lounge (of course it has – I worked bloody hard to do that!), she recommended to my sister that the girls stay at mine for another week or so until the lounge is properly clear, but my sister was adamant that the girls should return home on Wednesday, to allow her one more evening to ‘finish up’.

I’m disappointed and feel unreasonably angry. Why wait another evening? Does she have plans and its convenient for them to stay at mine? I really wanted to get the lounge completely clear, but I know that work will stop now.

I ask the social worker about the help they were going to provide along with a skip and she said she would still be pushing for funding for this and they would continue to visit regularly. I’m cynical, I’ve been here before and it’s the same old story.

I feel like I’ve made a terrible mistake wasting all those weekends at my sister’s house, she would never have got this far so quickly without my help (and that of G and his mum) and yet do I get a thank you? No, nothing. 

Trampolining & face painting

Day 33 Sunday

My sister picks both girls up early today, about 8.30am. The older one has a party at an activity centre. I'm still in bed when she arrives and stay there while she gets the girls ready which always seems to be a difficult task for her!

I'm not sure why she's taken the younger one, she'll only get upset when she realises she can't stay there with her sister, but I imagine she wants to go with them and as my sister can't say no off they go.

It's about 10am when she returns with the younger one. I discover they've been to the shops. After her mums left she confesses that Mum bought her a treat as she was upset about not being able to stay at the party. It's all so predictable and this is why they end up with so much stuff. Lots of treats to placate the children and avoid having to actually be firm with them.

It's the town's festival day and my son is playing in a band so we head off to watch him. The younger one can't contain herself, all the stalls selling brightly coloured toys and cuddly stuffed animals, all the rides and bouncy castles and slides. She's talking 100 words a second.  I manage to calm her and tell her to be quiet. If she stands nicely whilst J plays in the band then she can do one activity.

She does this and I'm actually quite impressed with her behaviour. So she looks around and chooses the trampolines to go on. Afterwards we walk round the stalls and again she starts pointing out face painting and cake stalls and crafts and it just goes on. I feel mean but I refuse everything, except a cupcake each for her and J (and a giant cookie for me!)

Eventually, as we are thinking of leaving, my sister says she's on her way to meet us with the older child. We head over the free play area where the youngest runs around and enjoys the old fashion swings and slides. I feel smug that it's not costing me anything!

When she arrives she takes both girls back to the main area probably to spend a fortune. I head home thinking I bet she's not done much clearing at home this weekend.

I enjoy a quiet afternoon for a few hours before they return back and as I expected they have arms full of rubbish and faces covered in painted flowers and stars. I don't begrudge them having nice treats and doing nice things, but they need to learn that going out doesn't revolve around buying things and that actually they have to accept no as an answer.

The social worker is due tomorrow so we'll see how she's done at home.

A Day of Moaning

Day 32 Saturday

I decide to take the opportunity to get my own house in order today. I'm not going to my sister's and she's not asked me to help so she can just get on with herself

I still feel cross about the situation and looking at my spare room where the girls are currently sleeping I start moaning at them about how messy they are and how they need to look after their stuff. The older one hangs her head as my frustration shows through and I feel a little guilty, but at 10 years old she should be able to put things in the bin and laundry bag rather than leaving things on the floor or where ever she can be bothered.

They are both keen to return home, they're sick of me moaning and nagging them the whole time. The reality is they are now used to living this way, leaving things wherever they want because my sister has no control at all and let's them do whatever they want

I want my house back and life back to normality, but I'm still so torn about the life they are going back to.

It's all up to her

Day 30 Thursday

Finally managed to get hold of the social worker. I kept leaving messages & she's call back when I was in meetings & unable to answer the phone, which led to me becoming even more frustrated & pissed off.

So when I finally got the opportunity to have my say I just ended up ranting at her, which I later apologised for. I wanted know why we had been invited to a child protection conference & she said she was still investigating under section 17 Child in Need. This would take another 2 weeks then it would be decided as to what action to take next. I got the destiny feeling she was hoping my sister would have cleared the house by then so they could just close the case

I asked about the help she was suppose to be arranging & the skip, which still hadn't been arranged. She said they were still waiting to agree funding, again I got the impression she hoped we'd sort it out so they didn't need to do anything more.

I raised my concern that the house was nowhere near ready or suitable for the children to return & that I thought this would be an ideal opportunity to really strip it back & start a fresh. I am concerned that once the children return that really will be the end to anymore clearing and that I don't think my sister has really learnt anything from this experience.

At this point words were tumbling out my mouth...I was annoyed at the lack routine for the girls that they have clubs every weekend evening & don't get to sleep until 9.30-10pm because when they get home they are buzzing after their club and don't have proper time to chill out before bed. That they always get 'on the go' quick tin spaghetti or sandwiches (they have school dinners so don't need a dinner in the evening, my sister says), but yet they always eat a second meal when we cook for them & seem to constantly be hungry. And we eat at the table together, using proper plates & knives & forks, not plastic things.

I don't know why my sister doesn't get it. She just seems to want to do the nice stuff, but is rubbish at the discipline & actual day to day routines.

Don't get me wrong I'm not claiming to be the best mum in the world, but my son's 14 now and we haven't had too many problems. I pride myself on having proper meals in the evening together (even though G cokes mostly now!) & that he's a chilled & laid back boy (not just because he's a teenager!)

I told the SW I was torn between wanting my life & house back to normal & my desire to keep the girls safe & in a nice environment. And I'm cross at the SW for putting me in that position.  I was happy in my ignorance of not knowing what the house was like & about their inappropriate lifestyle

I felt better after the phone call. I'm not sure I really achieved anything but I said what I wanted to say

I phoned my friend later & related the conversation with the SW and part of me wished I hadn't spent the last 4 weekends doing her house. That perhaps if I hadn't we would have seen what she's capable of and then I could have made changes to the girls routine for the better.

I've agreed with G that we won't be going to her house this weekend. It's up to her now. Let's see what she can do on her own.

Is the end near?

Day 27 Monday

My sister had a visit today from the social workers.  I had to phone her to find out how it went. She stutters as she explains that they were happy with things and that if she (we) can sort the girls bedroom properly and clear the beds, then the girls can return home next week after they visit again on Monday.

Whilst I'm happy for myself that life can return to normal and the girls can be with their mum again, I also feel cross. The house is not anywhere near sorted and work will just stop again and probably build up and we'll just do it all over again in another couple of years. The SW promised organised paid for help and a skip. They've provided neither and the home remains a shit hole.