My Blog

Sunday 31st July 

I started this blog to help me get my thoughts together regarding my sister’s hoarding, impact on her children, the impact on me and whether the child protection system (in the UK) was appropriate to help deal with the situation.

When the girls first moved in I thought they would be here a few months as I could never see my sister getting her act together and sorting things out. The truth is she didn’t and the only reason her children were returned to her was because of all the work and effort G, his Mum and I put into clearing the house. My sister in fact did very little. My nieces returned home after just a few weeks and I’ve never been there since. She has not asked for my help to finish clearing the lounge, she obviously thinks it is OK now.

More importantly I have not heard from the Social Worker. She said she would continue paying fortnightly visits and that she would let me know the outcome of her investigation. This was due several weeks ago, so I can only assume they don’t intend to take any further action.

I’ve never been convinced the Child Protection process is the right way of dealing with hoarders, but maybe legal action is the only way to get people to face up to the situation they are in. My sister didn’t seem too bothered by the ‘interference’ of Social Workers or that the girls were living with me. It didn’t motivate her to do much at all. Perhaps if G and I hadn’t done what we did then the girls might still be here now.

My blog hasn’t helped me understand why she is a hoarder or how the child protection process might be a way of dealing with it. I feel angry and have overwhelming thoughts that she is just plain lazy. I know this doesn’t fit with the idea of hoarding being a mental health illness and deep down I know this is the case, but when someone doesn’t want to take responsibility for their actions, it’s so difficult. 

A Letter to My Sister

To My Dear Sister

I don’t understand the way you are or why you do the things you do. I don’t understand what makes you throw rubbish on the floor or why you buy so many things. I can’t understand the need to always be out the house or why you wouldn’t want clear space to do activities with the girls at home.

I know being a single mum is hard. I’ve done it myself for 10 years. I managed to find the balance between keeping my house clean, going out and about with J and working full time. Why can’t you?

I didn’t have a lot of time to myself or any hobbies, but you seem to what everything. You’re a Girl Guide and Brownie leader, you’re part of school PTA, you’re on the local community centre committee, plus you’ve signed up to every party plan type organisation going – books, make up, nails, household tat. Do you actually make any money from these things?

They just take you away from the house and add to the mess within it.

You treat the girls like babies, but yet you expect them to keep their room tidy and be nicely presented when you want to leave the house. You seem to forget that they need guidance, encouragement and a role model.  Why should they tidy if they don’t see you doing it?

Why can’t you focus on providing a nice homely environment for your girls, where you can invite people round for dinner? The girls will never be able to have friends over to play or sleepover, you realise that don’t you?

Do you not care that the girls might be bullied because of their home, especially as the older one goes to senior school? Girls can be so cruel if they have a target.

I love you, but I won’t help clean or clear your house again. I’ve done it too many time with little or no thanks. I don’t understand the way you are or why you do the things you do.

Your tired and confused little sister

Looking at a 10 year old

Day 48 Sunday

Fortunately it's a bright sunny day as J and I head off to a local school fair with our lucky dip boxes and bags of books to sell. We're trying to raise money for his World Challenge trip next year. We've got the massive bag of books from my sisters and we've created 2 lucky dip boxes from little bits and pieces mostly obtained from her house and some of J's old toys.

It’s not just any old local school, it’s my nieces school, my Sister got us a free stand as she’s on the PTA, another interest which takes her away from cleaning her house.

I really wanted to write about the oldest niece, C. It was the first time I’d seen her away from her little sister and with a friend her own age. She seemed much more mature, talking and acting her age, a 10 year old in her final year of primary school. She reverts to being a 6 year old when she’s around her sister. I’m not a psychologist but I imagine this relates to fighting for the attention of her Mum, who I think at times favours the younger one and wants to keep her as a baby.

It was nice to see C in a different environment, its such a shame that she cant go to Guide camp on her own or any clubs on her own without her Mum going along as a helper.

I worry about both girls not being very independent when they are older. They are both confident girls, who will talk to complete strangers, which is probably due to the various events my sister gets involved in.

Part of me regrets how I let things go when they came to stay. If I’m in that position again, things will be done differently. 

Time for the Garden

Day 47- Saturday

During the week my sister asked if G would go round and do some gardening at her house. It turns out her neighbour has complained again, this time about the state of the overgrown garden. I don't blame them, they are trying to sale their house and to have such an unkempt house next door it must decrease the vale somewhat.

As we arrive she jokes about it being a wild life garden. Well its certainly wild and it vaguely resembles a garden. I manage to drag J out of his pit to join us so it’s a real family affair today!

Frogs hiding place

As G sets up the equipment he moves an old cardboard box and I feel something wet move across my foot. I look down to see a frog jumping towards the house and the girls. I standstill and leave it to make its way to a hiding place, I quite like frogs! But my sister is the first to scream and start hoping from one foot to the other, and the girls quickly follow suite. The frog finds its hiding place and peace is restored with focus back on the task in hand.

G starts the petrol strimmer to cut back the long grass, while we all stand and watch, much to his annoyance. So he asks J to start with the petrol lawn mower and follow on after him. J enjoys this for a while, until he finds it too much effort and decides that the strimmer looks like far more fun.

J with the lawnmower

The girls also want to join in now and I point out the garden shears they can use on the opposite side of the garden. They make little impact, but they are enjoying themselves and willing to help which is encouraging and far more than their Mum is doing, who is hoovering in the doorway to the garden as if she might catch something by actually going into the garden and partaking in a gardening activity. I’d already decided that I was not going to join in, I’ve done enough in that house, I’m not doing the garden as well.

Between them they make good progress. It’s not the garden makeover you see on the TV, but the grass is cut, the shrubs cut back and the pathway is clear before the rain moves in. The girls are pleased and start jumping around the rediscovered garden.

There’s a bit more to be done and G tells my sister that she can use her usual lawnmower to run over the lawn again and to trim the edge along the pathway. We all know this is not going to happen. Another wasted weekend day at my Sister’s.

G hard at work

a wildlife garden - over the pathway

Father's Day

Day 40 Sunday

It’s a painful day today. My Dad died 6 years ago, but it feels like it could be just a few months ago. Our Mum died over 30 years ago when I was a small child, we have no close family, no grandparents and no aunts or uncles, it’s just me and my sister now. She is the elder sister but sometimes it feels like I’m the older, more mature, wiser sister. This wasn’t always the case of course! My late teens /early twenties were chaos full of drunken nights and hungover days working. I was 25 when I had my baby boy. With no Dad on the scene he was ever so close to his Grandad. My nieces were tiny when he died so they do not remember him as J does.

As I visit my Dad’s grave with G I feel the usual emotions build up in me. What would my Dad make of this issue with my sister? I’m sure he would be incredibly disappointed and distressed with the situation. Would he yell at my sister? Probably not. He was a peaceful unassuming man. He wouldn’t understand that she has a mental health issue, he always just thought she was lazy, something I struggle with every day.

My Dad’s grave often brings me peace and comfort, the feeling of being close to my Dad. I ask him for the strength and courage to get through this period of unsettlement and for guidance in handling this mess going forward. I don’t know what to say to my Sister that will have any impact and make the changes she needs to have a healthy comfortable home for the children.

I ask my Dad to watch over me and to bring me some happiness. I’ve been struggling with some issues with G. Why can’t things be more straight forward? 

The Sun is Shining

Day 38 Saturday

It's the first week to ourselves again. The sun is shining and G is feeling motivated to start on our garden. It's nice to enjoy some time together that doesn’t involve tension and piles of rubbish. He’s working hard building a raised bed and digging out a border. I’m supervising with a glass of cider!

I can’t help thinking about the girls and their house might be like already, just a few days later.

She wants to be their best friend, the wonderful mum that takes them fun places without having to deal with the bad behaviour or providing any kind of structure. Every day after school they go to a club, sometimes for the older one that the youngest get dragged along to, and some are for the little one that the eldest has to wait around at. Both are glued to her and to each other. Neither are allowed to do their own thing.

I worry about the eldest girl as she is 4 years older than her sister, but she seems to be held back by having to do everything with her sister or her Mum. She’s quite immature in her attitude and very clingy to other people. It was good to see her hanging out with J on the computer, rather than her sister, but she was always drawn back to her. They just need to be together.

My sister has no control, sets no boundaries and has no structure to their lives. 

Time to Say Goodbye

Day 35 Wednesday

As I arrive home from work today, the girls' are obviously excited about going home today. Their Mum packs up most of the stuff and the door closes behind them.

I still have mixed emotions. It's a relief that the house is so quiet but I can’t help wonder what their life will be like at home. Would they be better off with me in the long term?

I still feel angry and as if I’ve been used and treated like shit. When I got that call 35 days ago, I swung into action to sort her house out and make it a home for the children, whilst my sister did nothing except carry on as normal. She went on her trips while I spent my weekends there clearing rubbish and crap from the house.

Am I stupid? I feel like a prize idiot and have been well and truly used.

It’s nice not have to go up and down the stairs every five minutes as the girls mess about at bedtime, but I can’t settle and I’m restless as I sit on the sofa trying to relax in front of the television. And later I find it hard to sleep.

The Last Call

Day 34 - Tuesday 

This morning, I don't need to leave for work early as I usually do. G has told me about the chaos in the mornings as we have the arrangement that my sister will come round and get the girls ready and take them to school so G and I don't have to worry about this. I usually leave so after she arrives, but G is stays in bed until after they go. He can hear them messing about and up and down the stairs. 

Today the youngest one is glued to her tablet, watching a video on You Tube. My sister sends her upstairs to get washed and dressed. She has this delusion that both girls will just come down and present themselves in pristine condition. This doesn't happen! 

She calls up the stairs to the little one to put the tablet down "otherwise I'll get Auntie to take it off you"! 

I'm so annoyed, why have I got to take it off her? 

"because you've got to be the bad guy" she says. I feel upset more than anything else, why have I got to be the bad guy? I want to be the fun Auntie, that spoils them and provides a place they can come and chill out. But because she can't parent properly and cant say No, I have to be the one to provide the discipline and proper structure. I've been a single parent. I was for 10 years and to a degree I still am. J is my son and I've had to play both roles, which I feel has been a success as J is a calm, independent child and trained in the ways and routines that I have created. 

The chaos at home continues as I leave work. She really has no morning routine. 

The social worker was due to visit my sister yesterday, but had to rearrange so went this morning instead. My sister hasn’t phoned to tell me the outcome so when the social worker phones me in the late afternoon to tell me the outcome. She informs me that the girls bedroom is sufficiently clear and tidy and that great progress has been made in the lounge (of course it has – I worked bloody hard to do that!), she recommended to my sister that the girls stay at mine for another week or so until the lounge is properly clear, but my sister was adamant that the girls should return home on Wednesday, to allow her one more evening to ‘finish up’.

I’m disappointed and feel unreasonably angry. Why wait another evening? Does she have plans and its convenient for them to stay at mine? I really wanted to get the lounge completely clear, but I know that work will stop now.

I ask the social worker about the help they were going to provide along with a skip and she said she would still be pushing for funding for this and they would continue to visit regularly. I’m cynical, I’ve been here before and it’s the same old story.

I feel like I’ve made a terrible mistake wasting all those weekends at my sister’s house, she would never have got this far so quickly without my help (and that of G and his mum) and yet do I get a thank you? No, nothing. 

Trampolining & face painting

Day 33 Sunday

My sister picks both girls up early today, about 8.30am. The older one has a party at an activity centre. I'm still in bed when she arrives and stay there while she gets the girls ready which always seems to be a difficult task for her!

I'm not sure why she's taken the younger one, she'll only get upset when she realises she can't stay there with her sister, but I imagine she wants to go with them and as my sister can't say no off they go.

It's about 10am when she returns with the younger one. I discover they've been to the shops. After her mums left she confesses that Mum bought her a treat as she was upset about not being able to stay at the party. It's all so predictable and this is why they end up with so much stuff. Lots of treats to placate the children and avoid having to actually be firm with them.

It's the town's festival day and my son is playing in a band so we head off to watch him. The younger one can't contain herself, all the stalls selling brightly coloured toys and cuddly stuffed animals, all the rides and bouncy castles and slides. She's talking 100 words a second.  I manage to calm her and tell her to be quiet. If she stands nicely whilst J plays in the band then she can do one activity.

She does this and I'm actually quite impressed with her behaviour. So she looks around and chooses the trampolines to go on. Afterwards we walk round the stalls and again she starts pointing out face painting and cake stalls and crafts and it just goes on. I feel mean but I refuse everything, except a cupcake each for her and J (and a giant cookie for me!)

Eventually, as we are thinking of leaving, my sister says she's on her way to meet us with the older child. We head over the free play area where the youngest runs around and enjoys the old fashion swings and slides. I feel smug that it's not costing me anything!

When she arrives she takes both girls back to the main area probably to spend a fortune. I head home thinking I bet she's not done much clearing at home this weekend.

I enjoy a quiet afternoon for a few hours before they return back and as I expected they have arms full of rubbish and faces covered in painted flowers and stars. I don't begrudge them having nice treats and doing nice things, but they need to learn that going out doesn't revolve around buying things and that actually they have to accept no as an answer.

The social worker is due tomorrow so we'll see how she's done at home.

A Day of Moaning

Day 32 Saturday

I decide to take the opportunity to get my own house in order today. I'm not going to my sister's and she's not asked me to help so she can just get on with herself

I still feel cross about the situation and looking at my spare room where the girls are currently sleeping I start moaning at them about how messy they are and how they need to look after their stuff. The older one hangs her head as my frustration shows through and I feel a little guilty, but at 10 years old she should be able to put things in the bin and laundry bag rather than leaving things on the floor or where ever she can be bothered.

They are both keen to return home, they're sick of me moaning and nagging them the whole time. The reality is they are now used to living this way, leaving things wherever they want because my sister has no control at all and let's them do whatever they want

I want my house back and life back to normality, but I'm still so torn about the life they are going back to.

It's all up to her

Day 30 Thursday

Finally managed to get hold of the social worker. I kept leaving messages & she's call back when I was in meetings & unable to answer the phone, which led to me becoming even more frustrated & pissed off.

So when I finally got the opportunity to have my say I just ended up ranting at her, which I later apologised for. I wanted know why we had been invited to a child protection conference & she said she was still investigating under section 17 Child in Need. This would take another 2 weeks then it would be decided as to what action to take next. I got the destiny feeling she was hoping my sister would have cleared the house by then so they could just close the case

I asked about the help she was suppose to be arranging & the skip, which still hadn't been arranged. She said they were still waiting to agree funding, again I got the impression she hoped we'd sort it out so they didn't need to do anything more.

I raised my concern that the house was nowhere near ready or suitable for the children to return & that I thought this would be an ideal opportunity to really strip it back & start a fresh. I am concerned that once the children return that really will be the end to anymore clearing and that I don't think my sister has really learnt anything from this experience.

At this point words were tumbling out my mouth...I was annoyed at the lack routine for the girls that they have clubs every weekend evening & don't get to sleep until 9.30-10pm because when they get home they are buzzing after their club and don't have proper time to chill out before bed. That they always get 'on the go' quick tin spaghetti or sandwiches (they have school dinners so don't need a dinner in the evening, my sister says), but yet they always eat a second meal when we cook for them & seem to constantly be hungry. And we eat at the table together, using proper plates & knives & forks, not plastic things.

I don't know why my sister doesn't get it. She just seems to want to do the nice stuff, but is rubbish at the discipline & actual day to day routines.

Don't get me wrong I'm not claiming to be the best mum in the world, but my son's 14 now and we haven't had too many problems. I pride myself on having proper meals in the evening together (even though G cokes mostly now!) & that he's a chilled & laid back boy (not just because he's a teenager!)

I told the SW I was torn between wanting my life & house back to normal & my desire to keep the girls safe & in a nice environment. And I'm cross at the SW for putting me in that position.  I was happy in my ignorance of not knowing what the house was like & about their inappropriate lifestyle

I felt better after the phone call. I'm not sure I really achieved anything but I said what I wanted to say

I phoned my friend later & related the conversation with the SW and part of me wished I hadn't spent the last 4 weekends doing her house. That perhaps if I hadn't we would have seen what she's capable of and then I could have made changes to the girls routine for the better.

I've agreed with G that we won't be going to her house this weekend. It's up to her now. Let's see what she can do on her own.

Is the end near?

Day 27 Monday

My sister had a visit today from the social workers.  I had to phone her to find out how it went. She stutters as she explains that they were happy with things and that if she (we) can sort the girls bedroom properly and clear the beds, then the girls can return home next week after they visit again on Monday.

Whilst I'm happy for myself that life can return to normal and the girls can be with their mum again, I also feel cross. The house is not anywhere near sorted and work will just stop again and probably build up and we'll just do it all over again in another couple of years. The SW promised organised paid for help and a skip. They've provided neither and the home remains a shit hole.

It's all about the money...

Day 26 Sunday

Only a couple of hours at the house today. I was a bit worried about the Guinea pigs, but they seemed to have survived ok.

The sister came home with the oldest niece while we were there, still working on the lounge. She tried to conceal her look of horror as she walked in, but it was there none the less, dispite the effort we had put in go clear as much as of the lounge as possible. I could tell her anxiety levels were high & she was already beginning to wonder what stuff we had thrown out.

The youngest niece took them out to the garden to see the new hutch and the oldest niece was thrilled and amazed at the size. My sisters first comment was: where's the cover for it?

I don't know why I thought we might get a thank you. She really is isn't appreciative of anything we do or are doing it.

As I make her help me sort through a pile by the door she sees a Christmas decoration in the bin bag that I'd thrown away before she got home. She pulls it out and starts shaking in as if the straw, hair & general gunk is just going to fall off. It doesn't. But undeterred she's adamant she can clean it off. I'm constantly amazed that for someone who hates cleaning and doesn't do at all, she's obsessed that she will clean everything rather than through it away.

The youngest niece found a 10p coin earlier and she spent 20 minutes constantly harassing my sister to go to the shop and buy her something. She was like the devil child, I'd never seen her like that I actually felt sorry for my sister as she squirmed & tried to put her off. Her feeble attempts frustrate me and I snap at the niece telling her firmly to leave her mum alone. It was a glimpse into their life & need to buy things.

The sun has come out and I want to go home & sit in the garden enjoying the rest of my Sunday. The girls bring a few toys back with them including a loom band kit and we spend the afternoon making bracelets (it was a new experience for me having a teenage son who had no interest them!)

Throughout the evening my sister sent a barrage of text messages asking me where things were, occasionally confirming she'd found the item she'd asked about. I ignored them all regardless.

A New Home for the Guinea Pigs

Day 25 Saturday

So another exciting day at my sister’s house with G, his mum and his sister. My sister is away on Brownie pack holiday, something obviously far more important that sorting her home out with the aim of having her children return!

It's a difficult day for me, more than usual. Before getting there I tell G I'd like to finish the girls room and concentrate on the dining table area of the lounge and if possible build the hutch for the Guinea pigs to get them out the lounge.

He drops me and the smallest niece off at the house and goes to pick up his mum and sister. I do a bit more in the girls’ room, but my sister has bought more bags in so I'm now confused about what's staying and going. So I take my niece downstairs to help me clear the mountain of clothes on the dining table, which we bring out into the garden on the tarpaulin I've found. She talks constantly and I contemplate locking her in the shed, before realising there's no room in the shed to put her!! As I look round the lounge in despair I notice a half-filled bin bag by the sofa. The same bin bag I left in that exact same spot 5 days earlier when I was here on Monday! I'm fuming.

When G arrives with his family he starts moaning about the state of the hallway and under the stairs and whilst I continue with the dining area, he starts at the other end with his sister and randomly starts throwing things around and chucking stuff up my end. I'm frustrated that as usual he doesn't listen to a word I say and does completely his own thing. I appreciate the work he's doing so I keep quiet. As I sort through 5-year-old papers, magazines and bills I come across a card in an envelope with her name on it. The writing looks familiar, but I can't place it. I open it and see 'Happy Christmas Daughter across the front of the card and I open it slowly as I realise who it's from- my Dad, who died 6 years earlier. I can hear G moaning about how lazy my sister is and that strong words need to be had and it all becomes too much for me. The tears well up in my eyes and I don't want to cry in front of the little one, but I can't stop myself and head out to the garden. G's mum gives me a big hug and in a rare moment of compassion from G he tells me to keep the card to take home and put in my memories box for the sister.

I'm upset that such a valuable thing (as I see it) is mixed up with the random paper and rubbish and that for someone that wants and has so much, she treasures nothing.

where the guinea pigs used to live

G finishes his patch in the lounge and decides to build the hutch in the garden, that my sister said was in the garage. I highlight there's not actually anywhere to put it as the garden is so overgrown with weeds and I don't know if any of it will be poisonous to the Guinea pigs.  We clear the tarpaulin and the clothes on it, putting them away in the girls’ wardrobe and leaving my sisters clothes in a bag outside her room.

The hutch is massive and fills the small patio area by the back door, but at least it gets the animals out the lounge which will hopefully remove that awful smell and associated flies. Snowball and Fluffy don't seem too convinced about their new home and new found space and so hide in a corner determined not to draw attention to themselves.

After five hours we're all exhausted. I look round the garden and spot a robin on the fence. He jumps around and into the vegetation. It makes me smile, but those tears begin to form again as I remember something my friend said a few years ago: when you see a robin out of winter it means an angel is watching over you. I'm not big on superstition and angels and all that, but I remember seeing a robin on my son’s birthday (in July) who stayed around us for ages and it was earlier that year that my Dad died. I know it's silly, but I draw comfort from believing it was my Dad looking over me and letting me know he is around.

#BankHolidayMonday

Day 20 - Monday

So it's bank holiday Monday and I'm dreading the thought of spending yet another day at my sister’s house. At a cost of £130 I’ve arranged for a rubbish removal company to come and clear all the rubbish we put in the back garden. They're due to come at 3.30pm, so I head over about 2pm to get a few more bags of stuff out.

They're late and eventually arrive at 4pm. There's an alley way between her house and the neighbours and the two chaps get started on lugging the bags and boxes and general rubbish down the alley and into the van. I want to get this done quick so start carry bags and bits myself. My sister stands and watches and every so often so picks things out that she now wants to keep or according her should never have been there.

It doesn't take long maybe 20 minutes and it's all gone.

I leave a half filled bin bag in the middle of the lounge by the TV telling her to finish clearing the sofa and walk way through the lounge.

It's so tiring, I can't see how this is ever going to be fully sorted out and if by some miracle it is I know my sister will ever maintain it. I'm starting to think maybe the girls should stay with me long term, but this will turn my family upside down and I was at a stage in my life where I could start to be selfish. Focus on my career, enjoy trips away with G and plan for my son to go to university. I don't want to take on two small children and start all over again

My head hurts from thinking about it constantly. I'm not sleeping well and I feel angry all the time.

Gone!

Soft Toy Story

Day 19 Sunday

It's about 12 noon that I head over to my sisters with one mission: reduce the number of soft toys!

She's not made a start with this task or as far as I can see, done anymore clearing in the girls bedroom. I head straight up there and we get started. She's clearly distressed by this activity but I'm surprised how easily she parts with some of the cuddly toys, on the downside it's all the small ones she's giving up while keeping all the big ones! After an hour 2 large bin bags are full of soft toys to go. I put them in my car so she can't change her mind either while I'm there or after I've gone

We sort some clothes & other toys & after a couple of hours I'm done. I don't want to waste anymore of my day here especially as the sun has now come out & it feels like a beautiful day.

When I arrive home G is in the garden sorting the shed out and cutting down ivy around it. The youngest niece is playing with the cat on the lawn. I decide to do some weeding and clear the cracks in the patio. The niece wants to help so I get her a bucket to put the weeds in. After a bit she goes to tell her sister what she doing and they both arrive willing help. I provide them with some gardening gloves (which I acquired from the sisters house previously) and give them a bedding patch to clear. It keeps them occupied for ages.

Then G decides to start a bonfire using the chiminea to get rid of the rubbish in the garden and the girls are fascinated by this. They help collect wood and watch as the fire starts. They even want to eat their dinner outside, something that never happens at their own home. They spend most of the evening outside, playing on the lawn and watching the fire. It feels wonderful to give them this opportunity of just chilling out & relaxing without having to go out somewhere & spend money. My sister always wants to take them out & thinks they need activities 24-7 or things to play with, when actually they need to see normal family things being done: washing, cleaning, gardening and then they want to join in and help

Later when they went to bed, G and I sat by the fire & he put his arm around me as I snuggled into him. It's a lot for him to suddenly take on but he does so willingly. I'm not sure how long either of us can keep this up though.

More books than Amazon

Day 18 Saturday

I've appreciated the help from G and his mum over the previous couple of weeks, but this weekend I decide to do it alone with the sister. We need to tackle the girls’ bedroom and it's going to take some sensitivity, not that I feel I have much at the moment but I'll give it a go.

We sort out the book shelf corner of the room where toys, clothes, drink bottles, sweet rubbish and other 'stuff' is piled high. More books appear, so many books Amazon should be worried about the competition! As we've now cleared a space and actually got to the book shelves I ask the sister to sort ones to keep and ones that can go.

She's making good choices until I come across a book where all the pieces have been pushed out. It's one of those where the pages are cardboard and you take out the clothes pieces to hang on a flat cardboard girl to dress her up. The book has no pieces left and there's no story or anything that goes with it so I think it's for the bin. The sister disagrees and thinks it should be kept as she has the pieces in a folder somewhere. That's great but why do we need the book then? I ask her. She just does! I completely lose it at this point: is this book more important that having your girls return to you?! You can't keep all this crap, they don't miss any of this stuff while they're at my house!

The sister starts crying. I tell her I'm upset too, but things can't go on like this. She wins that battle and keeps the book. She sorts the rest of the books in silence.

I continue there for another few hours, sorting 2 built in cupboards and other toys into boxes, and manage to empty 3 other large plastic boxes. There's quite a few bags of things she has said can be sold or thrown away, so progress is being made, the only thing is we gave nowhere to put things to be sold so for now they must stay in the bedroom.

I tell her to brace herself for tomorrow as I'm coming round to sort soft toys and at least half need to go! I can already see her getting anxious and worried about this prospect, but it must happen. I can't think of a better way to spend my May bank holiday weekend!

Books nicely sorted in the right place

Time to reflect with a glass of wine

Day 17 - Friday

When my sister comes to pick the girls up for school, I as her whether she sent the photos as discussed. She's taken the photos, she tells me, but has not emailed them yet. I tell her to do so asap so we can try and make arrangements for the weekend.

Ahead of the bank holiday weekend I booked today off. Originally I had thought G and I would take a day trip to France or somewhere. Something we used to do quite a bit.  But with migrant problems in Calais & fuel strikes across the area, we never got round to booking anything. I was determined however not to spend the day at my sisters.

So I arranged to meet up with my oldest friend for lunch. Before we leave I text my sister to see if she's sent the email yet. No she hasn't, wifi at work is not very good so the email wont send. I can do no more if she wont help herself.

It was lovely to head out to a country pub for some lovely food and a little glass of wine...or three! I told her about events from the last couple of weeks and she listened patiently before telling me that I shouldn't have to deal with all this myself and that Children's services should be doing more to help my sister and put the appropriate support services in place,

She can't understand why I'm not pushing the Social Worker to gain funding for the particular organisation I had suggested 2 years ago during last Child Protection process. I should insist that they do more to help so i can take a step back, she tells me.

I struggle with this. I don't feel angry with the SW, its not her fault we're in this situation. It's my sister I'm cross with, my sister that has caused this situation and my sister who has done nothing to rectify the situation.

Coincidently the SW calls me and as I'm sitting in a pub and having polished off 2 glasses of wine at this point, I didn't much feel like talking. So when she asks if everything is ok, I simply say "Yes, everything is working out ok"
My friend points out that this will now be documented in the notes and as far as they are concerned 'everything is fine'.

Everything is definitely not fine! I'm exhausted. I'm not used to be woken in the early hours by 2 small children chatting, arguing and thumping about the place. It drives me mad that my sister is hanging around my home when I get in from work and that I'm spending a ridiculous amount of time clearing and cleaning someone else's house. Its too much.

I resolve to contact the SW back during the week to see if there's an update on the funding and support.

It's lovely catching up with my friend and we manage to talk about other things - I realise its not all about me!

My sister finally sends a text confirming the email has been sent and they quote £130. I agree to pay and make arrangements for them to come. Unfortunately they cant come on Saturday as it's too late in the day now, but they can come in the afternoon on Monday. I'm cross that my sister has caused delays because she's not taking this whole business seriously, however it means we have an extra couple of days to get a bit more rubbish out and away.

Friday night and another glass of wine is in order!

It's All Rubbish

Day 16 - Thursday

While at work today, my sister tells me that she's just had a message from the housing team saying her neighbours have complaint about the rubbish piling up in her garden. She doesn't get on with the neighbours and says they are always complaining.  If I lived next door to her I think I would complain a lot too!!

I'm aware there's a local rubbish collection company, so I contact them for a quote. They ask me to email some photos to them and they'll get back to me.

My sister finishes work at 2.30pm so I tell her to take some photos when she gets home and email them to the company, which she agrees to do, and then let me know how much the quote is for.

I think no more about it and continue with my work.

By the time I get home later, she's already dropped the girls off and gone home.

I realise later that she is having a Facebook online make up party. Her and her friend are posting regular updates in order to encourage friends and family to waste money on that shit. I'm fuming! If she's spending time messing about with that, then she's not sorting and clearing, as she should be.

I'm truly exasperated  but just don't know what to do.

More Toys than Hamleys

Day 12 - Sunday

Today, while the sister is still away, I venture into the girls bedroom. They share a room, unfortunately they don't share toys so everything is in duplicate.

Its an average size room for a two bed terrace council home. Around 8' by 9' at a guess. It feels tiny with the bunk beds, two wardrobes, a storage box system, a bookshelf, and doors into a built in cupboard and the airing cupboard. That's not including the mountain of cuddly toys, the countless (naked) Barbie and Monster High dolls, the clothes and dressing up outfits and general 'toys' for lack of any of words to describe what was contained within this room.

Both bunk beds are full of things and there is barely any floor space. I'm really not sure where to start.

Eventually I make a start on the lower bunk. if I can clear this then I've got space to sort out things on the floor.

There's cuddly toys from every local tourist attraction: farms, soft play areas, theme parks, holiday parks. I fill a bin bag with smaller toys and put the big teddies (Hello Kitty, dogs, cats, etc etc) to one end of the bed. Stacks of books into a big sports bag.  I have about two thirds of the bed clear. I make my way around the room trying to put things into categories: clothes, dressing up outfits, puzzles, dolls clothes, stationary.

Three hours later and three bin bags of rubbish later I'm exhausted and worry about G looking after the girls on his own. I look around the room before leaving and feel despondent. It doesn't look as though I have been there are at, there's still so much to do. But my back hurts, my head hurts and I cant bring myself to do anymore.

Under the Stairs

Day 11 -Saturday

Although I'd like to believe that my sister has worked hard every waking moment over the last week to clear & clean the house, I know this is not going to be true as G, his mum & I turn up for another round with the house. This time is different though as she's not here. She decided she would go away for the weekend as she had planned some time ago. The thought of changing her plans to focus on her home & getting her children back obviously doesn't occur to her!

So we enter & Gs mum comments on the improvement of the entrance. I snatch away the praise given to my sister & confirm it was me that instigated this. To my disappointment though there are more pizza leaflets left on the floor and I try to convince myself they only arrived this morning.

I want to make a start in the girls bedroom, but G insists we do under the stairs as this will hopefully create more storage space for other things. I don't disagree as our relationship is becoming strained and I don't want to argue. I'm grateful for his and his mums help

He starts pulling out all the boxes (many), old vacuums (2) the abundance of carrier bags & other indescribable items that get passed to his mum for first triage (obvious rubbish or perhaps keep). I get passed to the 'perhaps keep' things to go through in the garden.

More out of date food in the original bag they were bought in over a year ago. So much arts & crafts material Hobbycraft would feel threatened if she set up shop. More shoes (I knew there would be!)

Three hours later we get there. Rubbish gone and keep things back neatly packed in boxes.

I say the rubbish has gone when in fact it's actually now piling up in the garden. It's taking over the garden and space is becoming limited. The SW said they would provide a skip, but this hasn't happened yet.

As we are finishing up & thinking of moving upstairs to the girls bedroom, my sisters 'friend' turns up to feed the Guinea Pigs (I don't think I've mentioned these yet, but is for another time).

From the moment she walks in the door she talks.... & talks.....words tumbling out her mouth.... Mostly along the lines of how awful the house is, how my sister keeps buying too much stuff, she can't say no to the girls, she's lazy, she's got a problem, she feels sorry for the girls, her children won't come her.

For goodness sake please SHUT UP!  Of course I don't say this, instead hurrying with the last bits and trying to make an excuse for us to leave.

Considering this woman is suppose to be my sisters friend, she spends a lot of time slagging her off and it becomes apparent that she doesn't know the girls aren't currently living here. I don't enlighten her. It's not place to.

After nearly 45 minutes I make our excuses & we leave. The friend says she will stay & do some sorting in the lounge. G thinks she will take stuff for herself. I hope so!

We leave feeling annoyed that we could've good more done had the friend not turned up, but I couldn't bear to stay with her around so that's that.

Handbags & Shoes

Day 5 - Sunday

Half the day is wasted (in my opinion) by my sister taking the girls to church and then a bit of shopping. More magazines and Kinder eggs arrive at my house when she eventually turns up at 1.30pm. Another half an hour to get her out the door and I tell her I'm coming round soon to do some more sorting out.

She answers the door with clothes in her hand saying she's 'folding' them. As the TV is on I suspect she's actually sat on her arse doing very little! So as the SW is coming round on Tuesday I suggest we need to clear the entrance space around the door to create an immediate impact of less clutter.

She clears the walkway through the to the kitchen while throw out the mounds of pizza leaflets, election flyers and unopened post. I gave a sneaky peak at some of it and overdue bills and demand letters frighten me. The debt she must be getting into to pay for all these things is heart-breaking for me. She has nothing of any value to show for the inheritance our Dad left her.

Next is the bags. 10 of them piled on top of each other all full of 'things'. We go through them one by one. This one is for work, this one weekends, this for taking the girls out, this one for taking the girls out when they were babies - hold on, what??!! A reminder here, the girls are now 7 and 10. They don't need baby wipes, nappies, the health visitor book or dummies (soothers, pacifiers or whatever you want to call them). My sister is getting emotional at this point. She can't bear the idea of throwing away their baby bits. But I'm tough, it must go and go it does! I congratulate her, like a small child, for making the right decision. The bags are reduced from 10 to 5. I've done my best

Now for the shoes.... Trainers, sandals, walking boots, wellies, tap dancing shoes, ballet shoes, more trainers....a mix of hers and the girls. I do better with these, most get thrown out yippee! Just a few pairs left which go back on the shoe rack. I'm hugely aware there's many more shoes throughout the house, but for now a small victory!

The entrance and hallway now look clear and clutter free. How long for I have no idea.

The remaining bags & shoes

The Kitchen

Day 4 Saturday

Along with my partner G and his mum we head over to the sister’s house. It occurred to me that I hadn't been here for over a year. I've always known it was bad but after the last time I thought maybe it wasn't too bad. I was happy not knowing the truth, happy in my ignorance. So the door opens and we step inside. I'm overwhelmed by the task ahead of us.

The mountains of 'stuff', clothes, toys, papers, food, wrappers, juice bottles, shoes, bags and just plain rubbish. It's the worst I've ever known it. As I look into the lounge, I can't make out the sofa, the table and chairs, the computer, any specific toys. It's all just one blur of belongings all mixed up with rubbish. It reminds me of the TV shows and I begin to wish a an army of people would come in a make it all disappear but I know that's not going to happen.

G's mum is gobsmacked. It's a far cry from her own immaculate home, but she doesn't say anything horrible. She accepts and understands why she's here. G suggests we start with the kitchen and it takes a couple of hours to remove everything into the garden. I lost count of the plastic plates and bowls in a variety of different characters: princesses, fairies, Dora, Fifi, Winnie the Pooh, Ben and Holly, Frozen and a whole lot more.

Plastic cutlery, in an assortment of characters as above and some free from magazines. Why do baby magazines do that? If people can afford those overpriced mags in the first place they can afford to buy some nice cutlery without having to rely on the giveaways. I'll come back to magazines. That's a whole different blog!

Plastic tubs and pots, some with lids, some with mould!

Out of date food, some by a few months, some by a few years (2015, 2014,2013 and 2012)

G fixes the oven door and G's mum cleans the oven inside and out. I'm outside with the sister trying to convince her that everything in the garden cannot go back in the kitchen. There just isn't space.

We throw out 10 bin bags of rubbish and manage to put back everything she wants to keep.

After 6 hours we leave exhausted and dejected. And no word of thanks from the sister.

A clear work surface finally!

The Call

Wednesday 11th May

Whilst at work I get a text from the sister:

Social services might phone you

Dread fills my body. I already know what this is about. Just a few minutes later I get the call. 

Only this time it's much worse. The social worker tells me the house is so dangerous the children cannot stay there. "Can they stay with you?" She asks me. "What if I say no?" I reply. They will look for a foster placement with no guarantee they can stay together. 

Part of me knows this is unlikely. I've worked in this environment & my friend is a children's service social worker. There's hoops the SW has to jump through in order to remove a child, but I can't bring myself to say No 

The SW arranges to visit my house later in the day & I'm straight on the phone to my partner, G who happens to have the day off. 

Can you move the old mattress from the spare room (put it in the shed not the garden- that will just look tacky!!)

Clean the kitchen-load the dishwasher, wipe the table, sweep the floor

He then tells me he has an appointment in the afternoon & can't do all things I need doing. 

After a mild panic, I manage to leave work a bit earlier to head home & tidy up. In an hour I've cleaned the bathroom, tidied the lounge, cleared the spare room & made the place smell nice to give the impression of domestic goddess & a homely home! 

I obviously gain approval, although was a bit annoyed she didn't check out the bathroom (I'd been on my knees washing the floor!) 

And that evening they turn up at my house & my peaceful life is turned upside down. 

The History

Due to the state of her house, my sister has gone through the Child Protection process three times previously. I go round have a clear out and social workers leave her alone. Apart from this 'issue' she is a good mum. The girls have everything they want and they do much more! Actually that's part of the problem! She is unable to say no when they want things and as an amateur psychologist she seems to have some kind of guilt that they just don't have enough and by buying more things this will show how much she loves them.

In context their dad is married to someone else and has no real contact with them.

I've tried my best to convince the sister to stop buying things, to throw things out, to sell old toys and clothes, but it falls on deaf ears and she carries on regardless. She's had appointments with the mental health team but she either can't be bothered to go or really doesn't think there's an issue. The place is just 'a little messy'. 

And so we reach the current situation....